The Lost Musings

An Ode To Men

2010-08-24T15:50:00.000-07:00

I'm Still Here

2010-08-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

I have neglected this page for sometime now, but I have good reason. School has kicked my ass this summer and of course the job is the job is the job. I even had a significant other for a good amount of time (the Possibility entered back into my life and now things seem to have gone back the other way again, maybe I'll write about that more later but right now it hurts to much to bother with anything but the vague). I am not promising to write regularly at this time but I need to get some things out tonight.

In fabulous news though my divorce was finalized this week and it's legally over! Everyone has asked me if it feels different and really it doesn't I have been single mentally for a very long time so no big sighs of relief really just another thing checked off my never ending to do list.

I have been so busy lately that I have had hardly any time to do anything but sleep, work, school, study, meet a deadline and all pretty much in that order. I have gotten to go out a couple of more times and that was a good time. I met a girl in my speech class this summer and she is one of the most sane people that I have met in sometime.

As I write this I try to avoid speaking about what a number I have found done on my heart. On one hand I don't want to write it all out cause I have a feeling that it's not over yet. But I will say that I don't think that I knew the depth of how messed up my heart is. I thought I had trust issues before but now I find all new types of things that go so much deeper than I thought. Not sure at this point how to put it all in words. It feels like I went to the doctor for a cold and found out I have something so much more serious they need to operate to dig out the root. *sigh*

I am looking forward though no matter how messed up I feel inside. I have lost weight (dropped 3 sizes) and am feeling better and better about being in my own skin again. Oh and I cut most of my hair off! I never knew how liberating it could be to just say to hell with it and let go of the whole "I want long hair thing." I have also decided to get rid of this over priced apartment and downgrade to something more to my liking. I rushed into this place because I wanted to get away from the ex and did not really consider my options as much as I should have but I am taking my time to find the perfect space for me and I cannot wait to get into it.

It's been a difficult week. With the Possibility MIA and the more then likely end of what seemed to be heading toward a really good thing between us.... this week has seen its fair share of tears from me but I am trying just let it go. I did what needed to be done and said what needed to be said in order for our relationship to continue and I was met with silence, deafening silence. Sure timing probably could have been better on my part but since I never get a fair amount of time to speak about what's going on between us I wrote it all out and passed the ball to him. All in all seems that he doesn't feel the same about me as I do about him. It hurts but I have to let it go. I'm trying to build something for myself out here and if he doesn't want to be apart of it that's his choice.

I need to write that out for myself more than any thing else, I figure if I keep repeating it it won't hurt so bad sooner rather than later.

Wait A Minute

2010-04-10T19:29:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted music in a while so here is one I have been listening to off and on for the past few months.

A quick catch up

2010-04-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

Things have been CRAZY around here in the last few months. School is still going well and I am enjoying my Communication class and my other classes are alright but really I am enjoying discussing the area in which I want to work in more than anything.

Speaking of that class we had a project that challenged us to contact radio and Television studios in the area and I happened upon the only black community radio station in the state that is located here, I had a great interview with the Programming Director and was offered a chance to intern with them. I have been to the station a few times so far (I would like to do more but working full time, school full time and all the other things I find myself responsible for does not leave a lot of time for me to do it.) they are understanding and I hope to continue to put in more time there as time passes and maybe gets a little less busy for me... But when I am real with myself it don't look like it's going to be anything else but busier with all the things I have coming up.=(

As for my concern with obtaining a social life that has seen some, interesting developments. I went out with a few girls a few weekends ago, and the gist is this; Went to a strip club had a BLAST! (I had never been to one before) and then I ran through a parking lot (incredibly tipsy) to make it to the other club around the corner before it closed only to dance with one of the girls I was out with because old ass men kept surrounding us and ogling me as I dropped it low (I was drunk yall, and neither place was that hype or the best place I had ever been to but lemons and lemonade). The only thing about that night was I had already been feeling bad that day and popping cold meds before that evening, I woke up the next day feeling like I was dying, I was sick for the whole week and a few more days after that.

There are so many things going on on-line that I would like to write about but again I don't have time, with all the papers and reading I have to do for school I really don't want to neglect the blog but I know what I have to do.

I had a ghost from Christmas past pop up again formerly known as the possibility now know as what the hell do you want now? He texts me like usual just to ask "you got a man yet?" pissed me off last time so I let him have a taste of that chick that will hurt your damn feelings if you keep messing with me. Haven't heard anything else but I know he will, more than likely, pop up again any day now. It is sad our friendship is never going to be as it use to be but nothing I can do about it, just keep it moving.

That's all for now, maybe later I will have some time to tell you how incredibly WRONG Tyler Perry is and how I wish I had only spent maybe $5 on the movie. He really needs someone that will stop blowing smoke up his ass about how great he is and tell him to stop slapping shit together that insults my intelligence and perpetuates the idea that one dimensional characters are what makes a story. I swear I am waiting for one female to come out and show him how it's done... Hell quiet as it's kept I pray to God that it is me who does it. Note to self never believe your own hype it will destroy you.

Just Catchin Up

2010-02-14T13:40:00.000-08:00

First things first, Happy V day and all that crap, I am glad to be single! Enjoy Video below!

Since school has started I am tired more often than not but at least I am getting to do some stuff that I actually find interesting. Have met some new people and met some real "character's" that I give nothing but a side eye to on the regular in class. Let's see, there is the Hobo, and the Angry (old) black woman that badgers our poor teacher with trivial bullshit like "are we getting a hand out on the notes because my other teacher gives us one." He was really nice in the way that he handled that, I mean really, we are in college note taking aint that damn hard.

The possibility is dead to me! OK that was a little harsh... Funny how you can consider someone to be like fam and then they want to change shit up and learn they can't handle what they asked for. side eye is given to him permanently at this point but I am still proud of myself for dropping his ass when I did instead of making up lame ass excuses as to why he doesn't call any more and why he seems bothered when ever we do catch each other. Fuck that, I aint that chick any more.

Now on to the who else should get stomped on this week. John Mayer.... by now everyone knows what that fool said in the playboy article (I refuse to link to that BS). The thing was I wasn't really offended by what he was TRYING to say about the "hood pass" thing. What pissed me the hell off was his blatant distaste of black women. First off I don't need some lanky white guy to talk shit about black women, we have enough of that crap going on in our own race let alone some guy that a lot of black women enjoy. We are and always will be the shit, the thing is how amd what he said. Considering how much I liked him before all this came about it was really disappointing to see what an asshole he is. I don't believe I will be buying any more of his cd's (yeah I still buy cd's but only by people I think are good) downloading his ass from now on. I was so angry before that I figured I was done with him all together but I like his music and he has been in the soundtrack of my life for some years now. Though I must say, next time I am talking with people about music I don't think I will be so quick to state my enjoyment of him anymore.

My Born Day!

2010-01-18T13:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my birthday and I had a wonderful time. I got to do some shopping for things that I really needed, rather than just stuff that I wanted, it was great that all things were pretty much both. Not to mention yesterday while I was at the mall picking up some things for myself I walked past one of the shoe stores and as I walked past looking at the displays I noticed a man leaning over one of the tables. He was caramel colored with smooth skin, dark eyes and a nice Cesar (not to mention the sexiest arms!!!!). I stopped walking when he made eye contact and a slow easy smile lit his beautiful face, I smiled back then realized how I looked, I was dressed down (slightly raggedy, really since I knew I had to walk all over and since I was going out later I didn't want to dress like I usually do). I didn't go inside the store.... I wanted to but I couldn't. But I will be making a return trip hopefully next weekend.=D Even if it is just to look.

I had some blessings come my way this past week that allowed me to got and get some things done that I had been looking forward to. I must say over and over Thank God. I have been a bit pressed with some things that have been going on between me and my mom and just getting everything in order for school starting tomorrow. I was not sure how everything would come together and I had no way to do anything to make things happen. I think I am finally figuring out how to truly let go and let God. I did not start stressing about all of the things that were going on. I took my moments and vented when I needed to but I did not have the overwhelming feelings that I usually have when faced with heavy adversity. I knew peace in the midst of it and did not fight the times when I felt truly sad.

During this time of solitude I have heard God speak to me again and I have realized so much about past habits that were doing me no good. Things that people have said to me for so long finally clicked in away that made lights turn on in places & spaces that I never realized that were dim.

I have also come to some conclusions about where it is that I want to head in this year and things that I would like to see accomplished so I am looking forward to the work that I have to do to get some of those aspects realized.

As I said earlier, school starts tomorrow for me and I will have my first communications class=) I am looking forward to learning more about different aspects of the business and figuring out what direction it is that I would like to go in. Not only that but I pray that maybe there is a person (at least one) that I can possibly become friends with that is closer to my age. I have been in Austin for this long and still have not come across anyone around my age that has been like minded and just cool to hang out with. After all that time in the Navy I became so use to having all my friends right there with me, now we are all spread about the country and it's just not the same.

So here's to new possiblilties!

I'm Ready

2010-01-12T18:29:00.000-08:00

I am glad she finally put out a song I like on this cd.

I almost drowned today

2010-01-09T22:27:00.000-08:00

Today was one hell of a day.

It all started out as a usual Saturday, I woke up mid-morning and was having some problems with my allergies, popped an allergy pill and got back in the bed. I didn't have much to do today so I figured I would chill for a bit then get up and get ready to run out to a friends house.

It's been super cold here just like every where else in the country, we just haven't had any of the wetness that everyone else seems to. So last night before I went to sleep I left the faucets on.

At about 1:30 this afternoon I hear what sounds like someone running a shower, so I hurry downstairs to see what's going on but as I get closer to the landing it is even louder. Then I see it, a massive amount of water is pouring out of my light fixture in the kitchen. I ran back up stairs to grab some pants and my phone so that I can call the leasing office to get someone out here to take care of it. By the time I get back downstairs there is water pouring out of a second fixture in the ceiling. I continue to stumble around for a bucket to catch some of the water, the house phone so I can dial the maintenance beeper and my coat because I know one of those heifer's in the leasing office is there, even though they are not answering the phone.

I go tearing out of the front door and up the drive way toward the leasing office to tell them that there is water pouring out of the ceiling and what does she ask me? "do you know how to shut the water off in your apartment?" ummm... No, why the hell would I know how to do that I live in an (overpriced) apartment not a house that I own. Oh and to to mention there is another leak this time out of the speakers in the ceiling in the living room. She gets the maintenance man to answer his phone and she eventually gets the water to the building shut off. By the time its calmed down I have a flooded kitchen, and half the living room along with a damp dining room and ceilings. Three fans to dry said ceilings and carpet that must stay on for 2days.

Fucking pipes bursting.
FML

Electric Wire Hustle

2010-01-04T17:12:00.000-08:00

Sigh(W/ A smile this time)

2010-01-03T00:06:00.001-08:00

Just a couple of days into 2010 and so far I am still feeling the lingering effects that a new year and new beginning can have.

Many people of course are making and have made resolution's. Mine is usually to do better this year than I did the last in all things try, try, and try again. This year is different, I am claiming that 2010 WILL be my best year, like I mentioned in the last post I plan to wrap up some of the lingering leftovers from last year but mostly I plan on doing the things that I am always putting off until I do this or that. I am taking at the very least 2 out of state trips this year. One place I plan on touching down in is Philly! and since I have already talked to my play auntie about coming out I have a green light to come on out and chill. The other place is yet to be determined.

Of course I have goals to continue to drop some weight and to eat healthy and all that jazz, as well as continuing on with school. But on the real, FUN is on the agenda. I have spent most of my life dealing with things far outside of my maturity level so I am going to make a very conscious effort to act my age no more putting everything I really want to do and experience.

I thank God for everything that he has brought me through and how he continues to keep me close. There are some good things coming my way I can only imagine how big my smiles will be this year.

Updates:

Boy wonder from the past post got the message and left me be.

Random African that hit on me in the furniture store parking lot, let me know that even older men act like younger men when approaching a woman. Why would anyone think hollerin from the drivers seat through the passenger seat window at a woman you DO NOT know is appropriate behavior?

"The Possibility" I am not even really sure he is a possibility any more. We are still friends but things aren't exactly right there at the moment. I'm not mad just kinda confused. We shall see what that brings this year as well.

Eddie is great and we still talk each other to death. He recently sent me a text speaking about the Nigerian that had a pantie bomb in his pants on Christmas and I quote "Snoop should have put his ass in an empty row house for that one." I laughed for 15 minutes.

Which leads me to this, I am OBSESSED with The Wire! I got on this rather late and Eddie has been at me for years now to watch, saying that it was the best show on TV... He was right, THE BEST SHOW EVER! I still can't believe they killed Wallace! I cried on that shit.

Lastly, I never really got that into Trey Songz, I liked a few of his songs but he was never someone that I paid all that much attention to. His new song The Neighbors Know My Name is my SHIT! Maybe one day I'll find a man that makes me that loud again, until then alright Trey!

Ending, Beginning, Growing

2009-12-26T19:16:00.000-08:00

Christmas is finally over and now on to new years. I can't wait for that to be over to. This being the first Christmas since me and the ex spilt has not been all that comfortable but you know, you pick yourself up and keep it movin. Good things are coming, I refuse to believe otherwise.

I am truly happy to see 2009 disappear with the quickness. This year has been one of many MANY hardships, I mad a bit of progress though and I can take some time to smile upon those little things that God saw fit to bless me with, all the work has paid off in ways that were truly unexpected.

I am still working on how to deal with all of my emotions though. I have always been sensitive but have usually taken all feelings of sensitivity and just banked them down. There was shit that had to be done whether I liked it or not and I had to perform even when all I wanted to do was lay down and cry. Run from the feelings and just let that shit build up until I couldn't take it anymore and then allow time break and deal with them.

I fight loneliness on the regular, there was a time I would have not ever dared to even mention how lonely I felt but fuck it, I am who I am and that lonely shit haunts me at times. I take that as it comes try to find something to occupy myself and just wait for it to pass. It's never easy especially when I find myself chasing the loneliness away with something or someone that I really should not even be bothered with.

2010 I pray is the year that I get closer to finding where it is that I want to be in the entertainment business, writing, directing producing, or maybe some where else all together. I leave past mis-steps and baggage that I have been carrying down with the other unclaimed baggage. I hope to leave these expectations of people there as well. Focus should be on God, school, work, being young and enjoying myself more. There is some unfinished business following me into the new year but that will be dealt with as well. I pray this new year I find peace, good friends, travel, shoes and handbags. Most of all I pray these little moments of clarity and serenity that I find ever so often when I least expect it come closer and closer together. Moments that lie in beats & rhymes, fruit juice and a little vodka, small smiles and a heart that feels like it's healing a bit more as it continues it's rhythm.

Christmas Spirit

2009-12-08T19:32:00.000-08:00

Possibilities & Realizations

2009-12-05T14:10:00.000-08:00

I have known the man I will refer to as "the possibility" for about 5 years. Met him when I was just 19 years old, and he pretty quickly became one of my ace's. If I was having problems, stressed out, or just need to escape from the constant dramas that come from living in close proximity to the people that you work with he was one that I would go to.

That all didn't change when he left the military and we moved to separate parts of the country. From babies being born to marriage's beginning and ending. We have been there through life's changes. So when all the drama that has come about for me in the last year he has become more and more apart of my everyday life. Through phone calls and text messages.

He knows ALOT about me. When I say a lot I mean A WHOLE LOT. I mean things that I am slightly embarrassed about and things that I promised myself, in the next relationship I would never mention. EVER. (I have seen first hand how men like to throw your past back in your face)

So as things have moved along for me in the last few months he has said a few things that made me pause.

Example: Jon B was out here not too long ago and I was going to go to the concert with a friend, but she came down with a bad cold at the last minute and had to cancel so I was SOL. I wanted to go so bad but I was really sad about not being able to go, so I texted him from work. I told him how sad I was and he asked me "what do you want me to do make you feel better?"

Now it's not really that he asked this question that was out of the ordinary, it was the implications that I could sense behind the simple statement that had me thinking all types of things that I had NEVER thought about him before. Not to mention the dream I had a week before about him telling me about how he really felt about me. All this gave me reason to pause.

I told myself that I was probably projecting since I am know to create all manner of things in my mind when it comes to men. So I figured it was my usual plus my over active libido. Until two weeks later.

Thursday night I texted him because he had been M.I.A. the past few days, which wasn't usual for the past few months. He called and we started another marathon phone conversation. After awhile he asked me if I thought he would make a good Boyfriend?

I didn't hesitate with my answer. HELL YES, if he was willing to do all the things that he mentioned he would do for a women that he called his. Then things took a turn, he asked me. What do you think about us being more than friends?

Now I should have known better than to blurt that "hell yes" out. When talking to people I listen very closely to what they are saying and what their body and facial expressions are saying as well. I like to know if you are sincere and as soon as we got onto the topic of being more than friends I thought that he could have ulterior motives, even though we have such a solid history I still have trust issues, ain't no getting around all that.

So after talking about what may be able to come of "us" we decided to see what may be there. I even asked him straight out why he would want to broach something of this nature with me at this point seeing as I am still VERY unstable since I am still trying to deal with all of the left over emotions from the marriage. He assured me that this was something that he really wanted and that he was willing to wait as long as he had to. We decided to give it a try.

The first few week's were cool. I got little texts that made me smile through out the day and regular phone calls. It was nice to have someone to talk to and to feel that someone was once again interested in me.

Although, I had my reservations about the whole thing. I figured really we were not doing anything all that different than what we had already been doing, with all the communicating that was going on. We had always been free to discuss sex and all of our dirt with each other before without the thought of being judged. And please believe the text messages alone could create rising body temperatures and restless longing. But I still found myself unsettled at times.

Then just as suddenly as it all began it stopped. The text messages got fewer and farther between and the phone calls became 10-15 minutes with a "let me call you back" that was never punctuated with the sound of a ringing phone later on in the evening. I grew restless and agitated. I knew he was busy and I understood it... I am a woman though, a woman that likes attention at that. So rather than bother with continuing on with the on going irritation that I found myself experiencing I figured going back to being friends was the best thing to do, rather keep my friend than end up resenting him or harbouring any ill will.

I preferred telling him during a conversation than to tell him through text message but we could never catch up with each other. So one Saturday I texted him we should just shift back into the friends zone and chalk the last few weeks up to bad timing. I on the other hand could not have had worse timing, but he understood and things have gone, for the most part, back to normal.

Ultimately I had to ask myself in all honesty was this what I wanted in the first place? I can't say that it was at this point. I believe my loneliness, an emotion that I find myself not dealing with very well, helped me make that decision in the first place. Not saying that their could never be anything between him and I, you never know what's coming for you. But at this point in my life I need to work on me and washing residuals of the past out of my hair.

Hiding Where No One Can See

2009-11-28T21:20:00.000-08:00

There is rain in my heart today. I am not sad, just melancholy I suppose. The longing that I have begun to learn to live with is as restless as a puppy on a rainy day.

It roams from space to space in the confines of my heart and hopes to find a spot to rest where peace comes easy. Never far from my mind never leaving the space of my heart.

I wonder if one day I will become at ease with the space you take up inside of me? If I will carry you around for the rest of my days and unwrap you on rainy evenings to sit and remember our time together.

I keep trying to put you into a smaller box but it seems that you never fit. It doesn't hurt to remember just makes the longing bloom bigger and brighter, makes the aching that much harder to bare.

It has taken me three years to acknowledge the feelings that are here, after years of trying to shove them in every closet, nook and cranny I could find inside and still you seemed to come peeking through.

I finally stopped trying to hide from you, and look for ways to become content with what lies inside.

Let Go

2009-11-23T17:24:00.000-08:00

Hope Monday was good for you.

What not to say when trying to talk to me.

2009-11-22T15:15:00.000-08:00

So Halloween weekend I went on a quick trip out friday night run to grab a few things and this is what happened.

I stopped at the gas station near my house to pick up a bag of ice for the drinks that I planned to make later on. On my way out I saw a few people near on of the other gas pumps I jump in the ride and get ready to make my next stop. When some random ass stranger approches my window.

At first i'm like what the f*ck! He raises his hands like please don't mase me. So I crack the window (it's well lit and there were people around) I think he looks a little familiar so...

He says "Hello" then tells me his fucked up name (insert F*cked up name here) and I tell him my name to which he

"reply's what?!"

I pronounce it slowly and enunciate he then says:

"that's weird"

Me: "Yeah you got a lot of room to talk."

I should have ended it there but I was distracted with my next stop and he proceeded to tell me how he lived over at the complex a few building down from me and he
had seem me around and thought that I was very attractive.

Me: "thanks"
and then he asks for my number.... (Why did I give him that shit? I don't know, but it gets better.)

So after that I ask a few more questions:

Me: How old are you?

Him: 22

I try not to make my screw face, but i still think well maybe he will
be someone to hang out with, cause let's face it yeah its been a LONG
time since i got that GOOD, but I ain't that damn desperate to go back
in the age thing, I cant stand dudes that are my age (and younger in the
sack, hell most of the time out of the sack as well) I tell him my age and then ask,

"how long have you been out here?"

Him: "one month, how long have you been here?"
Me: "awhile, how do you like here so far and where did you come from?
Him: "Houston and I hate it here."
Me: "Oh really so what are you doing out here? are you in school?"
Him: "Well.... i was in barber school but I dropped out. and I took the Asvab but I don't know if i want to go into the military.

By this point I am thinking ummm.... damn I should have held out on the phone number
until I asked more questions. I really haven't done this sh*t in a long time.

he proceeds to mention how expensive the complex is in rent and that he wants to call me while standing in front of me.

"Ok well call my phone."

He asks why I am out here as I wait for my phone to ring.

Me: "Well I am going to school out here and working."

Why you come out here? (diction anyone?)

"I wanted to move out here after I got out of the navy."

So we start talking a bit about that and he says, "damn I gotta step up my
game." (really, No sh*t)

So my phone has not rung the WHOLE time, he verifies my number and
says its calling but don't ring so I tell him I gotta go, i'll
just take his, I figure at least then I will know if he does call, though I
am really hoping he doesn't plus I know how dudes use to act when I
was picking up numbers awhile back so pretty sure he won't. All's well that
ends well!

He then tells me this: "oh well don't call that number because my phone
is turned off and it wont be on until the morning."

(Crickets Chirping) "Uhhh yeah. Bye."

So you are hollerin at me with someone ELSE's phone?! Ni**a please! So I speed out that bitch and forget about it.

I get home and get settled and see I have a new message, My phone never rung
so I figure It must be "the Possibility" (Someone I may or may not end up writing about here;) so I listen expecting to hear a familiar voice.

This boy has ALREADY called me telling me he just wanted to say it was nice talking
to me and NOT to call this number back because its not his phone....

Are you F*cking Serious? Who does this?

I delete it and keep it movin.

So Saturday morning I got up early (Like usual) to walk the dogs, since it is so early I am hoping that I will not run into the fool. Wrong! WRONG!

Who is the first mofo I see when I walk around the corner to let the
dogs pee, he flinches at the big one and moves out of the way of the
little one barking at him. All the while asking me, "What are you
doing today?"

I am not a morning person, I do not like speaking for at least an hour after becoming conscious I have things to take care of.

So what are you doing tonight? I have on sunglasses, but I know that I
am making my what the fuck face and it is LOUD. "I don't know!" while
adding silently nothing with your ass.

What are you doing? I don't know why I asked that i guess it was the
sleepiness.

"Going to 6th street I guess, since it's Halloween. Ill call you to see what's up."

F*ck.

So I had plans for Halloween night anyway I went out to my Stylists house and watched "A Good Man Is hard to find." Had a few drinks and some egg rolls, was feeling good and was enjoying that low budget movie. When my phone starts blowing up. I don't recognize the number so I send it to Voice mail, then call number two and then number 3.

Finally it stops and I finish my drink the movie and get back on the road to drive back into town. Call number 4 comes in so I finally answer with so much attitude.

My mood went from plesently buzzed to annoyed in less then five seconds after he says What's Up? is not the way you greet someone on the phone that you do not even know. He tells me who the hell he is (yeah I asked) and askes if I would Like to come out with him because, and I quote, "I'm trying to see you."

Where would he get the idea that I would go ANYWHERE with him? "Ummm, I'm driving back into town so I am not going to be there any time soon."

"Oh... well call me if you want some company tonight when you get back in town?"

"Umm... right..... bye!"

This is what I get for being nice. I felt so silly about giving that fool my number cause honestly I WAS just looking for someone to hang out with... He aint called since though and I pray he continues NOT to.

But if not I am just going to be real with him. Do not call me any more.

Restless, Anxious, Tired

2009-11-04T17:38:00.000-08:00

Well after my first mini meltdown this morning I continue on with
treading water.

I think my problem is that I am so consumed with the thoughts of if I
don't do this right now I will NEVER do it!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to
be lazy and I want to go to school but at the same time I still don't
have my shit together.

There are all these little things that I need to get done (like see a
REAL DR.) and a few big things and I just seem to have them pile up more
and more. I can't seem to get my stride back and that bugs me. Have you
ever had a period in life that you just seem like you can't get it
together no matter how hard you try? I know there is no "time limit" as
to when I have to be back in school. I just feel like I am fumbling all
over myself trying to get it together, then I kick my own ass about not
being the, take care of it type chick I use to be. I find myself staring
at my to do list frozen with thoughts of, where the hell do I start? I
keep trying to figure out what kind of mental toll the last year has had
on me and why it is still kicking my ass.

I don't know if im coming or going sometimes (like now) and I find
myself walking around just existing and going through the motions rather
than really participating. I guess this is the point at which white
people take a pilgrimage to India or Malaysia, to have an "awakening"
then return to the US enlightened and with hopes of a book deal.

*sigh*

The Most?

2009-10-20T17:54:00.000-07:00

The net has been all atwitter with the vlog that was posted by Louis Williams over at ihustlenation.com A few of my regular spots posted about their thoughts on Mr. Williams and I had to get my boy Eddie's opinion on this since he is one of the most insightful, intelligent and just plain funny people that I know. Here is our
conversation:

"Amen! x a billion."

"When you do these type of marital acts, you are giving a person the opportunity to use you up. They are getting the most out of you already so “why would they marry you?”"

Can I get a Lil Jon "Yeaahhh" on that one?

Ha... I keep recalling that scene in "Vanilla Sky" where Cameron Diaz is like "I swallowed your cum, that's an emotional commitment!".

I mean, that's about as silly-sounding as "we swapped keys, that's a commitment!". Yet women and men (to a lesser extent, but it happens enough) fall for this self-delusion time and time again."

Now considering the current wrap up of my disastrous marriage I had pretty strong feelings about what Louis said and agree with a lot of what he brought up. I did a lot of what he said NOT to do and ended up with a ring, as you can tell I took that sh*t off and this is a brief explanation to why I took it off.

I am guilty of doing some of that stuff and I got a ring out of it. The thing to ask yourself as a woman number one is do you REALLY want the ring? I sure as hell didn't after I woke up.

Some things I reserved strictly for the future hubby but look how that turned out. I have mixed feelings about some things the list. But then again I am not looking to marry anyone for a very long time.

The last thing I want is to be so committed that I feel like I am obligated to do anything for this person. I know my personality and I tend to go hard for people that I love, and I just don't want the possibility of getting mixed up in that again. There will not be a whole bunch of cooking, cleaning and taken care of sh*t for the next man, unfortunate for the next one, to a certain extent, but I am making damn sure I will receive "The Most" before I dole it out.

I am out of the biddness of playin, maid, mommy, therapist and whore. I am done messing around or getting caught up with emotionally unstable and unavailable men (that's my typical type). I don't think that it will be easy for the next guy but if he is worth it he will work for it and handle his, if not it ain't bout to hurt my feelings if he wants to walk.

Eddie's response to all that:

""After I woke up"... true, b/c for a good number of people, they're in
an emotional haze or looking at the best possible outcome.

No wonder you're so damn tired! "maid, mommy, therapist, and whore."
Plus banker, cook, indentured servant, etc."

Aint that a bitch?

What I Am Listening To

2009-10-19T19:41:00.000-07:00

It has taken me forever to write about the few cd's that I have bought
in the last couple of months that I have played the hell out of:

Jay-Z, The Blueprint 3
Kid Cudi, Man On the Moon:The End of the Day
Ledesi, Turn Me Loose
Citizen Cope, Citizen Cope & Every Waking Moment

Then of course there are a few singles that I have either re-discovered
or discovered:

Anastatica: Absolutely, Positively
Michael Jackson: I wanna be where you are
Sharon Redd: Can You Handle it?
Madonna: Don't tell me & What It Feels Like For A Girl

As you can see I have eclectic taste in music. But let's start with the
Cd's.

Jay-z The Blueprint 3

The Good:

I knew this CD was going to be a shaking the hell out of my sub and I
was not dissapointed! My favorite song on the album has to be 'Already
Home' although I have several others that I play over and over that is
the top one. 'So Ambitious' anyone?

The Problem: Must XM play EVERY SINGLE EVERYTIME I GET IN THE CAR!!!!!
I didn't even get to enjoy 'Empire State Of Mind' before they played it to
death!

Kid Cudi Man On the Moon:The End of the Day.

Originally I was not goingto buy this cd because I still wasn't completely sold on Kid Cudi. I HATED 'Day N' night' when I first heard it and never bothered to sit down
and pay attention, but as I kept hearing his voice on Kanye's album I started to dig him a bit, 'Poker Face' had me rollin' I figured what the hell? One of my best purchases in a long time hip-hop wise.

Th good:I can play this one all the way through without skipping, and
'HEYYER' is my song!!! I played the hell out of that for two weeks at
least.

The Problem: Nothing to complain about on this one... rare for me.

Ledesi Turn Me Loose

I am so glad that I was paying attention when Suga over at Naked and
Natural kept mentioning this woman. I was strollin through Target
(Target is my shit!) I saw Turn Me Loose.

The Good: The title track is so CRAZY! the instrumentation and the
crisp vocals floor me every time. You can't help but sing the hell out
of it no matter where you happen to be. Lord knows people in other cars
have had the livest of concerts staring me. The other song is 'Love Never
Changes' It sums up what I feel about the L word and all that goes along
with it.

The Problem: Some songs make me wonder why there were put on the album
and the last track 'The Answer To Why' leaves me wanting more, the song seems unfinished to me.

Citizen Cope Citizen Cope & Every Waking Moment
I am kinda late on him, because I didnt hear about him until The
Clarence Greenwood Recordings but I have finally gone back to listen to
his previous cd's.

The Good: Song's 'Contact', 'Mistaken ID', 'Hands Of Saints', 'back together',
'somehow' and 'Awe', showcase the versatility that he has as well as the
immense talent that he possess by playing almost ALL of the instruments,
arrangements and writing his on music.

The problem: I like most of the songs but some I just skip over because
they just don't seem all that interesting.

Anastatica Absolutely, Positively

This is my GIRL! I saw her for the first time on the old ass MTV
singing contest and she WON, then I never heard anything else from
her... Until I chanced upon some info on her while I was still in high
school. I went and bought 'Freak Of Nature' and it was fabulous. This
woman has such a distinct voice and can blow you away with the way she
interprets a song.

'Absolutely, Positively' Is no exception, the whole concept is fresh and
her simplicity in the beginning vocals are sweet until you realize what
she is saying. "absolutely, positively certain that I'm not sure that I
love you. Anymore." what a nice way to say get out of my damn face.

Michael Jackson 'I Wanna Be Where You Are'

I <3 Entourage!!!! and when they ended an episode this last season with this I again wanted to cheer with the choice of another superb song to end the show. (poor Turtle) Please believe I went and bought the song off Itunes later.

Sharon Redd Can You Handle it?

So I like fast music in the morning on the drive to work and with the
XM always on Shade45, The Groove Heart&Soul, Hip-Hop Nation, Backspin,
and The Heat (I can not for the life of me just leave it where it is if
something I aint feelin comes on) I flipped thorough to the groove and
this song was on. she is not the greatest singer in the world but the
song makes me want to dance and be silly.

Maddona Don't tell me & What It Feels Like For A Girl

I am not a HUGE Madonna fan I own a few cd's by her and like her for
the most part. These two songs are great examples of what she can do.
She has limited vocal range but she still can paint great pictures.

So that's my shit... as of late. I got some new things to look for and
Lalah Hathaway is at the top of that list.

Questions?

2009-10-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

I wonder, how did I become so cynical?

When did I become so suspicious?

What has made me so paranoid (like there is a single answer to that
question)?

Why is it that I simply do not trust any man that acts on his desire
for me (even if I trusted him before, he mentioned it)?

I find thoughts of sabotage and moments of anxiety.

I feel my stomach churn, and sadness build.

The woman that I have become in regards to the opposite sex is a
disappointment to me.

I don't want to feel so negative about men.

Especially when I desire them so.

All the things that women find so attractive still live inside of me, I
am no different in that regard.

But I fight my lust and desire for the opposite sex because they have
previously led me down roads that were less than desirable.

Tension, mis-communication, anger, loneliness and disappointment, they
all have colored the majority of my encounters with men weather sexually
involved or not.

I told a friend recently that I trust him because he never wanted to
fuck me... Or at least he never acted on it.

Easier to deal with men that see me for what I am every part of it,
loud, silent, emotional, silly, thoughtful, bitchy, scattered,
organized, a little insecure, while a tad bit overconfident, uses the
words bitch and fuck WAY too much, me.

I am a constant source of contradictions just like everyone else. I
recognize most of my short comings (I am sure there are a few I still
ain't ready to deal with yet).

I am still trying so that must count for something right?

Snapshot

2009-10-07T18:12:00.000-07:00

At this point in my life I find myself staring off into the outer rims of space more often then not. My mind never seems to be on the things that I should be concentrating on. Conversations, work, that show that I have been watching, I just seem to fade away for a few and listen to the music that is constantly playing in my head, (at the moment Mos Def- Ms. Fat Booty) after a few I shake it off and try to figure out what the hell who ever I was talking to was saying. So what's on my mind you ask?

Well since I am soon to be D.I.V.O.R.C.E.D. (YEY ME!) I think mostly about why it is that I made the decisions that I made when it came to He Who Shall Not Be Named. I realize that most of my decisions that involved that relationship were not really based on logic I have seen that most of them were made while I was on auto pilot. I went along with him liking me, and it progressed on from there into a relationship. Things were cool in the beginning because he was fun to be around and he called and took up time with me. I was cool with the relationship and just went along for the ride, since we were (apparently) headed for marriage after almost a year of dating and six months of a friendship he asked and I said sure (not in those words exactly but you know) we got hitched and I left on Cruise for the next 5 and a half months. Thing is before I even got back I started to really LOOK at what it was that I had gotten myself into. Oh boy. I won't get into everything WRONG with the situation at this point but let me tell you, it was a hell of a lot.

In the end I came back to my native state and shit went from bad to worse even faster then a new season of For The Love of Ray J! I am not saying that this whole experience has not damaged me, It has. I don't like what I allowed to happen to myself mentally & physically. I have seen a dark side to my personality that I never thought existed. I am disappointed and trying my best to forgive myself for allowing him to treat me as he did for so long. But I ain't crying over that shit. It's over and I am better for it, even if the bruises are still changing colors.

untitled

2009-09-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

Remnants of you in my soul.
Been lingering there since the 1st time we connected.
I try to wash them away with water and flower scented soap.
I scrub hard and fast,
I rub, and kneed my flesh, trying my best to get out all the toxins you left there
Deep inside
So deep inside
I soak afterward to make sure I let whatever debris I missed seep out of my flesh and float to the surface.
I rise naked and slick.
Back to the way,
The way I was when I was born.
Then I watch them slide down the drain, along with all the dreams I had of you.

Back to Me

2009-09-09T20:54:00.000-07:00

It has been a hell of a year. Things are really beginning to look up and God is good. Until I break off into all that is going through my mind, here is a song that I listened to over and over. Hard times let you know who your real friends are and make you understand a little bit better about life and how quickly it changes.

Teedra Moses - Put It In The Wind

2009-03-30T10:30:00.000-07:00

I first heard about Teedra in 2006 when a friend of mine put me on to her while we were out to sea. I loved her first album Complex Simplicity and I am looking forward to hear new one The Young Lioness... If they ever release it, but until here is this.

I'm bored

2009-03-12T14:38:00.000-07:00

It is cold and rainy and cold here today, that makes me feel so bored. I have been applying to other jobs (damn recession) and surfing some of the blogs and sites I like, looking for something to take my mind of my boredom, but nothing is working! Even my usual, too much energy not enough to do, cleaning isn't helping. So I have been sitting here for the past few minutes listening to Oprah talk about Chris & Rihanna, the two people I am most sick of hearing about. So since I have nothing to do even though I feel I SHOULD be doing something I am doing nothing. So while I am doing all of nothing I will put a few random things up that just float around in my head.

I hate that pop tarts commercial with the little cartoon boy that dances his way to the kitchen. I would like to drop kick him.

The other night we watched the first new episode of Battles BC on the History channel. This one was about Hannibal(the guy that played Hannibal was kinda extra fine...) and did you know that he would literally crucify his own men when they failed to do what he told them to? That had to be hell on moral... "You know if you fail, I will crucify your ass right?"
Who does that?!

I LOVE Paula Deen. Every time I hear this woman say "Yall" I can't help but laugh, I hope to one day go eat at one (or all I love food) of her restaurants.

All these networking sites are annoying. Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, and all the other stuff coming out every day is just one more username, password and something else to remind me that I have no friends. (not really but I am dramatic)

I can not WAIT to start college!

I also cannot wait to get Lady fixed so she will calm the Hell down!!!

I wish I had a Job.

I wish I had some money, a sista is having hard times.

I should go work out, but I'm not.

I have no idea what dinner will be and guess what? I don't care.

I Heart Pandora

2009-03-05T23:54:00.001-08:00

Well this is one that I have been using for a few minutes now, Pandora Internet Radio! I first came across this application on the computer (that we have had for over a year) when I was clicking away at all the things that it came with that I never use. When I finally realized what was up and what I could do I was a goner.

If you are not up on the whole Pandora experience here is the gist of it.

1) type in the name or song name you want to listen to.
2) The program automatically brings up other artists that are similar to the one you choose and allows you to rate each song that comes up.
3) make more stations!!!!!!

I stared out with just two stations one by Nikka Costa then the other by the Foreign Exchange (both of which have had music videos posted on here). Now I have moved on into my ol School stuff and even got my mom in on the act. It really comes in handy down here in Austin, for the so called live music capitol of the world they have the shittiest radio stations ever. There is only ONE good station and you don't even get good reception, or should I say ANY reception? I know some of yall are thinking where has this chick been I have known about that.

To them I say let me have my moment. ;P

Oh how I trusted you.

2009-03-03T21:27:00.000-08:00

Friends.
This is a topic that I have struggled with for so long. I think it all started with my mom and me moving around so much when I was a kid. I never stayed in the same schools for very long and intern never had the kind of friendships that lasted through year after year. I usually picked up a few people here and there but as soon as we moved again that was that. My mother moved us so much for different situations and reasons, then again she was an Army Woman so that restless spirit never really left her, one of the reasons we ended up in Alaska when I was 10, but that's another post.

No my problem is that I have the same restless spirt. I never feel like staying in one place to long and when I am forced to, I think about all the places that I could possibly go next. The thing that I find everytime I move on is that I miss the place I left even more. That is how I feel about Washington, I miss the air, the rain, the flora & fauna and the things that happened to me there that made me mature in ways I did not know I needed to mature. Good or bad there are faces and places that I will carry with me until I take my last breath.

What I find is that the more I move, strech and grow I find most of the so called "friends" that I had fall by the way side. Not all of them, because I have some damn good "big brothers" that check on me on the regular, but the ones that I really think will always be around usually don't last to much longer than that. I am speaking of thoes that made me take of my walking shoes long enough to curl up on a couch and rest awhile. I shared smiles, tears, laughter, trust and love with these people. Something about these few made me feel safe, and comfortable enough to be me at all times good or bad. I always wanted to have friends that stuck around. I think part of that has to do with the fact that I am an only child so I always need the feeling that I have other people in my corner (not just my mama).

There is always a lingering pain left behind when I see my old Ace become a Hefeir I can no longer stand to be around. Weather it be because she got a new man and for some reason has no time for her former BFF or she is just a lazy friend and I am just getting tired of it all, it still hurts when you realize nothing last forever. It's not just the ladies either sometimes you are so close to your male ace they flip on you in almost no time for no real reason at all. No matter what the situation it hurts like hell for me. Even though I would refuse to let that hurt be known (i'm stubborn as hell).

You see that's my other problem. When I let someone close to me to become what I call a real FRIEND, there is no going back. If I feel comfortable to bare my insecurtities to you, I expect you to treat me the way I treat you and not use that shit against me in the end (nieve of me?). I try not to take them for granted and just do the things that I would want and expect from them. My mom says I am hard on friends. When they let me down it's rare that I can be as honest with them anymore. I no longer feel comfortable with sharing how I feel about anything deep when it comes to me personally, my gaurd goes back up and now it's like we are aquintances all over again, and that means we are soon to be less than that.

It's bothered me quiet a bit since I have moved back to Texas about some of the friendships that I have lost, and some soon to be lost. Not just how it happened but why it happened. And how completly fucked up it all really is in the end. Oh how I trusted you. But the worst part... I still miss your janky ass.

Fresh Air

2009-02-26T15:25:00.000-08:00

For the past few months I have been longing for a few good blogs to read. Something by women that gives me the female camaraderie that I have been longing for since I have moved to Austin. I have even been so desperate I looked up platonic relationships with women on craigslist, sad huh? That didn't work out mainly because I am to scary when it comes to meeting people from the Internet.

So Reading a few new blogs has inspired me to get back to trying to make this blog what I always thought it could be in the first place. I am still trying to figure all the ends and outs of all the little gadgets and things you can put on these pages but honestly some of these things are just plain confusing. Any way I hope to really get into this and putting a lot of my current train of thoughts out here. Maybe some people will begin to read it?

Stranger things have happened?

Really Sucia?

2009-02-02T12:33:00.000-08:00

I have been addicted to books since the summer of my fourteenth year on this earth. I have a certain affinity for fiction, although I read more than just fiction, and I enjoy black authors on a regular basis. The thing that I have noticed more and more as I get deeper and deeper into this blogging thing and the Internet more in general I see that most of the writer do not delve so fully into there personal lives. They keep you up on when there next book is coming out and what other projects they may be into but never really let you know all that much about their personal lives. I appreciate that so much more now then ever before.

I debated weather or not I should mention this particular authors name that I have kept up with in the last year or so in this blog or not, but ultimately I decided why not? Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez is the author of several books, the most popular of them is 'Dirty Girls Social Club' I read it the first time when I was about sixteen and enjoyed the hell out of it! In the past year during my last cruise with the navy I re-read it not once but twice (I ran out of books to read toward the end). I found that at the age of twenty-two things were much more different then what I remember them from my first time reading it.

Before the re-reading though I found out that she had a blog and began regularly stopping by to see what she had to say. I found her witty, entertaining and insightful. I began going back into her archives and reading more and more while at my desk waiting for the day to pass by. The thing is after awhile I began to see certain things that were slightly disturbing. I noticed that she was more than a bit judgmental about other authors and the way they portrayed Latina and black characters and even attacked them for their personal behaviors. But that's not what really began to get me. When I started seeing a trend of her putting all of her personal business out there I began to wonder what was her real point? Why is it that you feel that I need to know about your new boyfriend/fiance? what is really behind all of that? Mostly I shrugged those things off, even though I began to notice her immaturity when only a few weeks after her long love poem to some random and completely irrelevant man she was seeing, then the EXTRA long post about how he was so perfect and things were SO wonderful. Then came the short post about how he was "totally wrong for her" and she didn't know what she was thinking and maybe she made her ex-husband sound worse then what he really was.

Ummm... OK? First What does this have to really do with anything?! I learned when I was 14 not to put all my damn business out in the streets and here this thirty something odd woman is doing everything my mama taught me not to do a LONG ass time ago! So that is the beginning of my big lingering side-eye to MS. Rodriguez. So over time I have continued to catch certain things about her that make me scratch my damn head, another example is how rude she is to people that write in to her. This one in my opinion takes the cake:

Alisa - I've been thinking about ways that you could get your movie going. Have you thought about contacting Selma Hayek? She produced the movie that appeared on Cinemax through her own production company. She also worked on Frida. Or what about contacting HBO? They always have really good films that become very popular.
Just some random thoughts. - N.D.

N.D. - Thank you for worrying on my behalf. Now stop. I know Salma. I've talked to Salma about this project. Salma does not think it is right for her (she has her hands very full at the moment) but her business partner was kind enough to connect me with the Mammoth Mexican Media Company I've written about here. Said MMMC is interested in the film, and they have a distribution deal with Lion's Gate. I'm meeting with them soon. I have two great producers already attached to the project, Nely Galan and Debra Martin Chase. There have been meetings and murmurings all month. FYI, I have a very good agent at William Morris, who gets me meetings with networks. I met with HBO and they passed. I appreciate your concern and thoughtful note, but please know we're on it, and we've been on it for years. These things take time. - Alisa

Really Ms. Rodriguez? This is how we speak to people that go out and buy your books and are willing to spend their hard earned money on a movie that may or may not get made? There are other examples that don't add up about this woman as well the constant and numerous health diagnoses that she seems to have every 6-9 months (i ain't saying she made them up but something in the milk ain't clean), the info about her giving up her over priced badly financed home in Scottsdale, AZ. and the numerous mentions about how she is struggling financially and since she is self-employed cannot afford the medical bills. News flash Alisa, we almost all are in the same place as you, but then again we do not all drive Lexus either. It is hard for me to identify with a woman that is pushing forty and still seems to have about as much sense as a woman my age and younger.

When taking all of this into consideration I came to the conclusion that I will not spend another dime of my hard earned money on someone who speaks this way to people that spend money on her product. Am I saying that I won't ever read another one of her books, no I am not if I decide to I will simply use my library card.

In the end I ask only this of all of the authors that I enjoy (Eric Jerome Dickey I <3 U!!!), please keep writing wonderful stories and coming up with characters that I want to see again and again. But PLEASE stay away from putting so much of your personal business out there!

The Foreign Exchange feat. Muhsinah - Daykeeper

2009-01-26T10:26:00.000-08:00

Oh it has been a minute since I have posted but I will be doing better. So a quick List of things that have happened: Had another Birthday, Got a Job! We will get into all that later though. Until then listen to this.

Negative Blogs all around?

2008-12-29T10:09:00.000-08:00

Is anyone else terribly tired of the all ways critical talk about EVERYTHING going on in some blogs? I have noticed in a few of the blogs that I frequent that certain people are always WHINING about something. May it be the media, men, or the fact that they don't like this because they heard this, or they don't like that because they said this. I feel as though some of the blogs that I have enjoyed are just sucking the life out of me. I already am facing the problems of not currently being employed and going fucking crazy being in my home so much, not feeling well so sometime I check out a few blogs to see what other people are talking about. Then I am faced with a barrage of I don't like this, and men are stupid and here's another YouTube clip about some bitch talking about her damn pussy. Really?! Must we ALWAYS jump on our feminist wagon and wave our flags about? Must we always have to have conversations about how men are SO degrading and SO disrespectful? Honestly if you are that much of a feminist then be comfortable and OK in your own damn lane, you do not have to shove every little sensitive piece of bullshit you come across on the net or see on TV. If you must wave you femi flag by all means do so but don't become so damn neurotic about it.

Parenthood?

2008-12-05T14:17:00.001-08:00

The past few days my mother and I have had a continuing conversation on why it is that my generation seems so engaged with the process of procreation. Lately I have noticed that the majority of the girls that I went to school with, now young women, are all parents.

I'm not exaggerating about that either. Nearly all the women that I have encountered between the ages of 13 to 23 have all either had a child or are currently expecting one. Now I know at this point that I probably seem all anti-baby honestly I am not. I love kids and they seem to love me too (that is if they aren't bad, I can't stand no bodies bad ass chile). The thing that bothers me is that most of these women have not really experienced life. As a kid when I thought of marriage and children I always dreamed that I would be a nice "settled" age, you know 26 or older. I would have traveled, bought all the shoes and purses my heart could handle and really ready to devote the time and attention a child would require.

I take to my page ever so often and see all these women that I use to know with their babies and there proud parent labels and I feel like it's a front. Number one, even when we are older mother hood ain't all that. It's hard work, I seriously doubt most of our mothers would have been all a buzz with their former drinking and partying photos all over then a couple of months later we see the whole ultra sound and "baby-mama" baby shower photos. It seems to me that my generation seems to look at parenthood like they look at the latest accessories. Not the life changing experience that it is.

Talking with my cousin the other night made me realize I am not the only one who noticed this trend of "myspace frontin". He says, "You know I haven't talked to one of my friends that have had a child early and heard them say "oh yeah I am so glad that I had a kid before I got my own shit together". They love their child but they wish they had waited".

Watching from a distance all that goes on over the internet with some of my friends and family with this whole baby thing make me want to wait even more. These kids are coming into this world with parents that hardly know their ass from a hole in the ground. They come here belonging to parents that are not equiped to handle them and not able to provide from them mentally let alone finacially. When did it become cool to not go for anything? When did our society deteriorate to being satisfied with calling the mothers and fathers of our children "baby mama's" & "baby daddy's"? Knowing that at this moment there are many children that are homeless and abused what does that say about us? We keep bringing all these kids here and not taking care of them. The first step is taking care of ourselves before we put ourselves in postion to take care of them.

What the hell?!

2008-12-02T12:20:00.000-08:00

What is is with this whole unemployment system?

For the past DAY I have been dialing and re-dialing the unemployment line to find out where the hell my money is! You know it's bad when every time you dial it goes straight to a busy signal with nothing but a hopeful pause before that annoying tone. I knew this thanksgiving weekend thing was probably going to cause problems. It's already bad enough that when I do have to call in and talk to someone I have to wait 30 minutes before anyone answer but it seems now that ALL OF AUSTIN is calling in at the same time, probably with the same question as me "did my file go through last week? and if so where the Hell is my deposit?!" You would think with all the technology in the world that you would be able to reach ONE person on the phone when ever you have questions about something but it seems the further we go the less we end up with human contact. I hope to reach someone sometime before 5 p.m. but if not I guess it's back to the calling tomorrow.

Say a prayer for us unemployed.

Nikka Costa

2008-12-01T10:15:00.001-08:00

A little funk for your monday.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T10:11:00.000-08:00

Well it's finally over.

Me and my husband traveled to my home town for some away time from the non existent social life we have in Austin and time with the rest of my extended family. I wish I had stayed at home. It was not near as bad as it could have been though I must say. Thinking back on some of the family "get together" from my childhood this was tame. (Maybe since most of the trouble makers are older and not as fast any more?) There were no outbursts about who bought the beer and who drank more than who, no lively conversations about who did what to who 20 years ago, no cursing so on and so forth. That doesn't mean that they did not get on my nerves though.

I don't know if it's just me or what but I really do not enjoy traveling (by car especially) even if it is just a 5 hour trip. I enjoy being in my own home doing my own thing, maybe that's due to the fact that I still hold the residuals from all that in and out of port when I was in the navy.

So I suppose my annoyance all started when I went ahead and decided to go even though I really didn't want to leave home. Then Lady (our lively German Shepard mix) started acting a damn fool in the back seat like she has never been on the road before. As we are leaving the city we miss the toll booth and ride straight through the pre-paid area.

We finally make it to Midland and get things situated for an evening on at the air mattress at my grandmother's house. Well, Lady had other ideas that were mostly made up of whining, pacing and generally bothering EVERYONE in the house along with the 2 dogs that already stay there. So all night long we have this big whiny baby waking us up over and over all the while being yelled at threatened by my mom. Quite the evening for all of those involved.

On evening two we checked into the hotel and were relieved to know that we would be getting some real sleep. Finally some privacy and peace because it seems awfully sparse in my grandmothers house. It's virtually a revolving hotel/restaurant of all the kids, grand kids, and just random ass people that go through here.

I am supposed to hook up with my best friend of seven years but I doubted that was going to happen any way, and it didn't. But Thank God, the return trip was less eventful then the first part. We made it home in good time, minus any more possible toll slip ups. Happy (late) Thanksgiving.

Life and Times of the unemployed

2008-11-23T18:15:00.000-08:00

November 18, 2008

You know what sucks? When you did all that time in the military you get out (without doing a bunch of illegal shit) with an honorable and you can't even get a job working at Target… Target! I mean what the hell?

Since I have been on this long journey of trying to get some employment I have sent 8 million resumes in and filled out half as many applications all to get not even ONE real interview. Of course temp agencies don’t count because they call you in talk you up have you watch there stupid welcome videos then tell you, “ well we don’t have anything open right NOW, I can call an let you know as soon as I get something!” yeah and then 3 weeks later (after you call and email several times begging for an assignment they still “haven’t found any thing for you. But thanks for keeping in touch!(insert fake ass smile).”

At this point think it would be easier to just start selling ass. I mean that’s what “rich and famous people do." How many times do you hear about tired ass has been’s (mya, (yall remember my love is like Wo?) a few of the girls from girlfriends?) hosting parties, doing lame ass appearances and other such nonsense when times got rough? How many times do we have to see your ass on King magazine for you to get some work. Now I find myself in a similar position wishing for my own low budget party to walk through (IE Kyeshia Cole’s mama) I would be cool getting 2000 to just stroll my ass through a club.

But no that is not my fate I seem to be destined to sit home, try not to eat everything in the fridge, not kick the dog and hear the constant yapping of the new puppy next door. (by the way my cross the way neighbors are odd but that’s a whole NOTHER post.) Oh and I can't forget patrolling Craig list like some perv looking for sex trying to find an administrative job for the time being. I really don’t want to work at retail but hell they don’t want to seem to hire me any way.